I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
