It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You can't motorboat a personality
high people should be assigned attendants
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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