Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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