your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
