PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
