Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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