the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
