Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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