There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
