somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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