we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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