Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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