Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
