btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
