Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Princesses don't give blow jobs
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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