You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
