I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He felt like a one man threesome
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
