I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
