I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
