This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
