so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
