i think my tv is drunk
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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