I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
