If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
