New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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