i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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