so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
