Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
