They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
