You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
