Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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