Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
