My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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