They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
