i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
