don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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