She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
