Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
