I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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