i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
