Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
