I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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