Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
