I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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