got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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