i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize