Where is the hickey?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
