what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
