Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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