I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
