I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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