she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
