I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
