Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
