The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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