i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
