Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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