Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
