apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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