dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
