Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
