her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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