he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
