So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
