fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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