Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
