I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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