when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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