If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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